deep water

We are all on an arduous journey right now, feeling both very alone and connected. I have felt like I have been tossed and pulled upside down by the extreme emotional state that I have been in all entire week. I am exhausted by all of the information that is coming in through both expected and unexpected ways. My biggest challenge is to be vulnerable and to keep my heart open. I want to shut out all the changes and go back into my preferred stance of cave like serenity. I don't know if it is so for others, but I have always liked to stay just a little bit apart from everyone else. I have valued the separations as a time to resource and create. It has many wonderful outcomes, including writing this blog, my water color paintings, meditation, reading wonderful and charming books. However, this has also served to isolate me. It has served to keep me and other adults from really feeling what is going on.

If you know the story of the frog. If you keep a frog in warm water and slowly turn up the heat, the frog will stay in the boiling water and die. If you put a frog in very hot water, he will immediately jump out. We are like the frog. We have been in the dirty water for so very long that we don't have the common sense to jump out.Now, We are jumping and going crazy. We are jumping from economic fears, from serious illnesses and deaths, toxic discoveries in our environment, huge climactic events, dramatic deceptions etc. Perhaps, we ought to understand that these changes are assisting us in making the shifts that are needed. We are all connected. WE ALL NEED EACH OTHER all of the time. We are linked together energetically. No one will heal unless we all heal, no one group will recover economically unless all groups do, no place on earth will reclaim its beauty unless the planet becomes beautiful again.

It is certainly time to jump our of our isolation/ contemplation, and make some changes. We are being charged by the "we generation" ( our children and grandchildren) to assist them in making a difference while we still can. There is a great video that expresses much of what they are feeling.
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Please watch this video and let me know what you think about their request! I am humbled and remember feeling the optimism and the hopefulness as a hippie. I remember seeing the world as thought it were filled with radiant colors and endless possibilities. I would love to bring the feeling back.

PS I cannot seem to add the link. If you are interested please contact me and I will send it to you by email. Thanks for reading my blog. I really appreciate that you take the time to read it.

Asking for what you want!

How many times do we think that we ask for something and we have never said it out loud. I feel like I ask for what I need all of the time and yet somehow never get what I want. I am aware enough to know that I keep ending up in the land of insanity. The definition of insanity that works for me is "if you keep doing the same thing over and over again and expect different results.

What stops us from asking? The fears that no one really cares. That people will give us what they want to give us and not what we really want. We really don't know what we want and it is better not to know. No one understands us anyway. I don't know how to say it clearly! Who cares. My Zebra Monster ( please refer to the zebra monster and the authentic self blog, on 2/2/09) is really active today isn't it.

So we all yearn to have someone understand us without having to ask for it out loud. Who wouldn't want a massage, be fed peeled red grapes and being told I adore you without having to ask for it? However, I have never had a massage or peeled grapes that I haven't ask for and perhaps it is better that way.

What i really want is someone to just sit, make eye contact once in awhile, listen,and ask me how they can be of service. I really don't want someone to jump in and assume that they know what I want. I may not even know it until I articulate out loud to a caring listener. So I probably need to reflect upon whether I do this with others. I often do but not always. I probably do it more when I am working then when I am not. After all, this is part of my job description as a psychotherapist.

If you remember the series, In Treatment on HBO, which aired last year. The therapist, Brendan Byrne, is falling apart one minute and then acts as if he is completely fine as he opens the door for another client. In a perfect world, he could say I feel miserable right now , could you listen to me for awhile and then maybe I will listen to you. Actually, because it was on television, he actually does do that often . Perhaps I need to try it and see what happens!

Blogging

Blogging is a huge challenge for me. Really, more accurately technology is a hard language to understand. Perhaps it is my age, perhaps lack of patience but whatever it is I get so upset when I can't get something right. After the first ten times, I want to scream and just give it up. I get so frustrated that the colors, texts and the font sizes are all different and I have not figured out how to edit them . I am truly trying to aim for a coherent view but I can't do it yet . I will not stop doing the blogging but perhaps in time I can manage the technology a bit more easily.

I often just give up with technology and say who cares anyway. However I do feel that blogging gives me a valuable way to express myself so that my unique and unusual ponderings don't keep going round and round in my head. It also gives you some insight into what is going on in my head. All of us walk around with our heads filled with so much really important stuff that blogging gives a voice to. I guess that I could say that the muses made me do it this way!

Whining and the Inner Child

I have been doing a lot of thinking about whining recently.Let's face it, we all love to whine. Recently, the favorite topics have been the cost of gas, the cold winter, politicians, cost of food, the FDA, etc. How many times do parents tell children, don't whine . Stop whining. Ask nicely. Stop complaining.

What if the whine contains important information that we are totally overlooking in our communications.The whine is a metaphor for a deeper connection to who we are. We don't have money to pay our exorbitantly high PSE&G bills , the mortgage, the doctors bills. Or my husband is mean to me, and my mother in law is nasty! You know the drill. What if all of those statments are a communication from the inner child! As adults we still feel unable to express our true feelings and they morph into whines. Whines can have a life of their own.
Let' s translate the whines into possible truths!
The PSE&G bill is too high- I am angry that you keep the heat up to high when you sleep or you forgo t to close the garage door and let in all of the cold air.
OR
My mother in law is mean- I feel that she does not like me going to work and wants me to stay home and raise the kids. I feel guilty enough.
OR
The cost of gas is too high- We really need to think about changing our lifestyle and I don't want to get rid of the hummer and get an Honda Civic.

I think that part of the human condition is that we do not like to change so we whine. Whining keeps changing at a distance. We whined as kids because it was really hard to make decisions for our selves and we got the underlying message which was to stop feeling!

It is probably time to own those strong feelings that we had as a child when we questioned everything, rebelled against rules, trusted our instincts, and dared to tell the truth. Down with whines! You know that the price of gas is going up again!!

Zebra Monster and the Authentic self

What is the real self? What is the false self? I have been doing alot of thinking about these selves. Who are we anyway? I talk alot about the soul part of us as the real authentic self.The soul part means that which travels with us as we reincarnate over and over again How many of us can consciously access that part of us on a regular basis. Animals live the authentic self and it is not easy for them.

We are always talking about how honest and open our pets are and how we wish we could be more like them. I wonder sometimes if that is true. They are so loyal to us sometimes it is hard to watch. We can yell at them, feed them their food late, forget to pet them and yet they are always ready to forgive us. How many of us as humans are able to keep showing up for others without consistent acknowledgement that we are doing a good job.

Sometimes, we can get closer to this authenticity by expressing gratitude but then we slip slide into the false self. False self is that part of us that yells at us. you are not good enough, you will never be good enough so don't even try to be better. You are a loser. As you can tell, I have quite a long lasting relationship with this side. Sometimes, I ask friends or clients , what is it that is worthwhile about them and they cannot remember one thing. The self critic is that strong it makes us forget all the good things about ourselves.

I just finished reading the book, The Art of Racing in the Rain, By Garth Stein. It is a great read and written from the point of view of Enzo, the dog. What a fabulous and literate dog he was. He has to come to terms with an evil glinty eyed stuffed Zebra that belonged to his human 5 year old sister. In the beginning, he felt that the zebra was his enemy and causing him to be "el destructo" but in time, he realizes that the zebra is his critical side and it is inside of him. Enzo is horrified by the realization and is finally able to acheive some balance for himself. What if our false self is the zebra monster and the authentic self is the realization that it is a part of us and can be worked with. Thank you Zebra Monster.